(no subject)

[tree_and_leaf]

Saw this meme around somewhere, but don't ask me where...

Ask any character I've written for advice, and they will provide it, advice columnist style. Your problems or fictional characters' problems both welcome. Management is not responsible for the results of following said advice.

Any advice provided by Dominic will almost certainly involve some combination of gin, going to Mass, and using a tent peg as an offensive weapon, mind.

Comments

[schreibergasse.livejournal.com]

I would love to participate, but I haven't read any of your fic. (And it sounds like Dominic would advise me to get gratuitously drunk and/or commit presbyterocide (Hierocide?) in the middle of Rite 2, and I have enough trouble restraining myself from these impulses anyway!

[tree_and_leaf]

http://tree-and-leaf.livejournal.com/tag/dominic+the+vampire+killer

Dominic is an original character of mine. He is an undergraduate student of mediaeval English, an opinionated Anglo-Catholic, a Cub Scout leader, and kills vampires for the Scottish Episcopal Church. (Um. Put like that he sounds very much like a gender-switched Mary Sue. I invented him when I was an undergraduate, wasn't involved with Cub Scouting, and would have indignantly denied being an Anglo-Catholic, though.)

That said:

Dear Schreibergasse,

Having suffered considerably from badly conducted services, and/ or bad liturgy, I sympathise with your hierocidal impulses. However, I cannot in good conscience recommend it. Unless the priest in question is a vampire, of course, but as I assume that someone would have noticed if he got third degree burns every time he said Mass, this seems unlikely. Similarly, getting drunk before Mass is frowned on by most reputable theologians and canon lawyers, though I sometimes think they might have changed their minds had they come across some of the wilder expressions of being Anglican, or whatever the hip young committee-men are calling it these days.

All I can suggest, I'm afraid, is exploring the obscurer corners of your prayer- or hymnbook. Or perhaps, in good mediaeval fashion, you could take to saying the Rosary. You could, perhaps, offer it for the intention of an improvement in the quality of the worship? And look on the bright side: the sermon, hymns, etc. may be unmitigated crap, but the Blessed Sacrament remains Itself however grim the surroundings.

And if all else fails, you can always get drunk afterwards.

Yrs, in sympathy,

Dominic Ogilvie.

[schreibergasse.livejournal.com]

Dear Dominic,
It's not (usually) the liturgy; it's the Open Table thing. (Which is also frowned on by most reputable theologians* and canon lawyers, not that anyone seems to notice.) And no, Father K. does not seem to be getting third-degree burns as a result. (My soul, on the other hand...). So I will take your advice on the efficacy of prayer and of post-communion spirits.

[*exc. the Regius Professor]

[tree_and_leaf]

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear....

Staps' matrimonial dilemmas no. 38598729257

[el-staplador.livejournal.com]

Dear Lord Peter,

How would you suggest getting out of a long, boring photograph section à deux (well, à trois, counting the photographer) location being a picturesque but surely rather morbid plague pit? My future husband and I have little desire for photographs of ourselves, and would rather not hold up the reception and induce terminal boredom in our guests. Various in-laws-to-be, however, seem to think myriad soppy photos essential.

On a related note, how do I persuade my mother that getting my musical relations together to form a ceilidh band is perhaps not such a good idea?

Yours,

Staps.

(I'd do this one myself, but too many of my characters languish in obscurity on my hard drive for it to be worth it.)

Re: Staps' matrimonial dilemmas no. 38598729257

[tree_and_leaf]

Dear Miss Staps,

I sympathise. I know from personal experience that the worst aspect of getting married is what one is forced to assume are well-meaning efforts to be helpful on the parts of one's family. If you are prepared to be ruthless, then I would suggest going and getting married somewhere small and inconvenient, and not telling anyone who is likely to interfere until the last minute. But this depends, of course, on how much you value the good will of your in-laws.

You might, of course, try convincing the photographer that the plague pit is a health hazard, in the hope that he will refuse to work in it, but that may not appease the relatives. Or you could bribe one of your younger relations to steal the camera batteries - but a lot depends here on the child's reliability and dexterity. However, I fear that all that can be done is to take a firm line and insist that the photographer strictly limit his exertions. One portrait is enough for anyone, and your relatives ought to be content with that.

The second problem is, I think, simpler- assuming that you object to the relations forming the band, rather than the presence of a band in general. Take the line that you do not wish to deprive your relations of the chance to dance at your wedding or feel that they have been invited to work rather than as guests, and stick to it rigidly.

If all else fails, remember that it's only one day, and you will be able to get away from them all soon enough. Try not to find any corpses while you are on your honeymoon, and it will all be fine in the end.

Wishing you every happiness, and the best of luck,

Yours,

Peter Wimsey.